


Squirrels Are Like... Tree Dogs!

by ToDefineIsToLimit



Series: New Frens [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Video Blogging RPF, Who Killed Markiplier? (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Bad Puns, Fluff and Crack, Friendship, Gen, One Shot, Peanut Butter, Squirrels, Tree Climbing, Vigilantism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 08:24:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17220371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToDefineIsToLimit/pseuds/ToDefineIsToLimit
Summary: For the King of the Squirrels this was a normal day (and ran out of peanut butter).For Jackieboy Man  this was the day he got stuck in a flippin tree (and embarrassed himself horribly).For Patton this was the day that he got hit in the face with a super hero (and made two new friends!!).





	Squirrels Are Like... Tree Dogs!

**Author's Note:**

> I... hhhh... I don't even know the egos is my latest obsession and so I was like "time for a fucking crack fic" 
> 
> Basically The sides own a cafe and they encounter the other egos idk man

The king of the squirrels was holding court in a tree and basking in the sun, as was his custom on days such as this. He had climbed this very tree a good many days and a good many nights and felt himself quite at peace here. It was his favorite tree in the park and he even kept a stash of peanut butter here at all times in case he should need to reapply the thick coat covering his face. 

“Hey!” the king heard a voice call from the ground. He looked down and saw a man with a blue mask “Yeah peanut butter dude! Hi!”

“I'm the king of the squirrels.” the royal corrected.

“Well I'm your friendly neighborhood Jackieboy!” the masked man said puffing up his chest proudly. He was after all the defender of this city and surely the tree man had heard of him. 

However Jackieboy was sorely mistaken “Jacka-who?” the king said.

Jackieboy man deflated a little. Okay perhaps the king hadn't heard of him.

“Jackie boy!” He repeated “What are you doing up there anyway?”

“I am holding court with my people because I am the king of the squirrels!” 

That seem like as good a reason as any to be sitting in a tree to Jackieboy. Who was he to judge?

“Wait so there are squirrels up there?” He asked excitedly. Squirrels were like... tree dogs. 

“I'm coming up purely for hero-y reasons and not at all to hang out with the fookin’ cute squirrels.” 

Jackieboy Man began climbing the tree.

 

Sometime later Patton was walking along the path through the park. It was faster to cut through it to get back to the shop than it was to go around. Then he heard a tree shouting at him. 

“Hey hey dude look up here!” Patton wasn't surprised, leaf it to a tree to break the laws of nature and learn English. He told Logan that trees could talk if they wanted to!

Patton looked up and was disappointed to see that it wasn't the tree talking there were two guys sitting up there. They were both fairly handsome but one had peanut butter all over his face so Patton figured he was a little nutty. 

“Oh hello!” Patton called back up. 

“Hi! Can you um help me down?” The non-peanut butter guy said. He was wearing a red outfit and a blue mask.

“Me?” Patton asked glancing around.

“Yes you! I can't get down and I forgot that I'm scared of heights and I'm stuck!” He said he was clinging to the branch with his arms wrapped around the trunk.

Patton looked around not sure what to do “Well how did you get up there?” 

“I climbed up, to see the squirrels!” He said. 

“Squirrels? Well why don't you just climb back down the same way?” 

“These fookin stupid gloves I can't climb down in them!” he said holding out one hand and wiggling his fingers at Patton to show him. 

“Well I don't know how to climb either so your really barking up the wrong tree.” Patton joked apologetically. 

“Okay that was a good one.” The peanut butter man said chuckling. Patton smiled, it wasn't often that people appreciated his jokes.

Jackieboy was scared out of his waits but he was also very embarrassed. Heroes shouldn't need saving and here he was asking a stranger to save him.

Big oof.

Jackieboy man cursed under his breath this was embarrassing. “Isn't there something you can do? Please?” 

“Well I guess I could uh catch you.” The man on the ground said, he set the bag of groceries he was carrying on the ground and held out his arms “It's not that high.” 

“Is he high?!” Jackieboy muttered to himself.

“Could be, he does give off big stoner energy.” The king of the squirrels replied as he spread more peanut butter on his face.

“C'mon jump!” the man on the ground said with a kind smile on his face. It wasn't that Jackie didn't trust him it was just that the man didn't look like the most athletic type. But Jackie didn't have much of a choice. He had already tried to get the kings help but the king had informed him that he didn't know how to get down either. 

“Are you ready?” 

“Yeah!” the man on the ground confirmed.

Jackieboy jumped. His cape flew out behind him and he wondered for a second if this is what flying felt like. He didn't have very long to ponder it because he soon found himself laid out flat on the concrete path.

The man was also sprawled on the ground near him with his thick black glasses knocked sideways. Apparently the man hadn't caught him. Jackie figured he probably overshot when he jumped.

“Oh I'm sorry!” the man said sitting up. “Are you okay?” 

Jackieboy nodded shakily. He glanced around to get his bearings. The king of the squirrels was also on the ground now looking unruffled. How did he get down???

“I'm uh Patton by the way” the man said holding out a hand to help Jackieboy man to his feet. The hero took it and stood up.

“Well I'm just your friendly neighborhood Jackieboy!” he said not feeling great and choosing not to puff out his chest.

“And I'm the king of the squirrels.” The king of the squirrels said.

“Oh! That explains the peanut butter!” Patton said, because apparently it was totally cool to rub peanut butter on your face as long as there a reason.

“Indeed I wear it so the squirrels can lick it off my face. Unfortunately I'm out of peanut butter now.”

“Well I don't have any peanut butter but I do have some nutella back at my cafe. You could have some and I could make you all some cocoa!” 

“That sounds great!” Jackieboy said.

“I've never tried putting nutella on my face.” 

“Virgil isn't gonna be happy that I took so long to get back.” Patton frowned.

“Who's Virgil?” Jackieboy asked aa they started walking 

“My friend who deserves a blanket and a hug.” Patton said, his voice full of affection “but don't tell him I described him like that” he said flicking his eyes around like he was checking to make sure Virgil wasn't hidden nearby listening.

“Oh I too have a friend who likely just needs a hug… if he would put the gun away long enough to give him one.” The king of the squirrels shuddered.

“Hey me too! His name is Chase. His ex wife is a cunt. Took his kids. He's been having a rough time lately…” Jackieboy trailed off thinking of his friend. 

“Hey maybe if we get them together they can all be friends too!” Patton said brightly.

“We’re friends?” Jackieboy said surprised.

“Aren't we?” Patton deflated suddenly resembling a dog whose tail just got stepped on.

“Yes of course we are!” Jackie boy reassured him and elbowed the king of the squirrels in the ribs to get him to confirm it.

“Well kings don't really have friends. They have lords and ladies.” The king explained.

Patton's face was heartbreaking “Which obviously means that you both with be lord of the squirrels!” He said quickly not able to stand up to Patton's puppy dog eyes.

“Great! I was worried for a sec sometimes I'm too friendly and people are annoyed with me…” Patton said with an embarrassed smile. 

Neither of them really minded having one more friend.

**Author's Note:**

> Stay tuned for next time when the angsty bois (tm) meet!


End file.
